A+

I was a horrible student growing up.  I manipulated, scammed,… anything to get a good grade. I loved the rush knowing I could talk myself out of any situation. I once took an entire class in high school, passed with an 89%, and never did a single assignment!  I had a way with words…

Whenever report card time would roll around though, I was always in a panic.  How was I going to show my Afghan parents that I was only an average student?!  75% was super low in their eyes, especially because I was following in the footsteps of my freakishly smart brother (thanks Hamid).  I managed to sweet talk myself out of getting into too much trouble with them by promising I was going to try harder… well, until high school; those puppy-dog eyes stopped working!  They saw right through me.

I was in grade 11, and it was that time of year again; I needed a new plan. How was I going to change the 70% I just got in history into a 90%?  I tried talking my way into a higher grade, but for some reason it didn’t work this time.  What was I going to do?? 

I got it!  I was going to make my own report card.  This was brilliant! Why had I never thought of this before?!?  So I got cracking…. 

I first pulled out some blue construction paper, and cut and paste numbers and comments onto it. It looked like an elementary school project; I threw it out.

Then I printed the entire thing on the computer; but something felt off about handing my parents a flimsy piece of paper with my grades on it. 

I needed to do some research, and find out if anyone else had tried to do this before.  To my surprise, there was an entire business running in my school, right under my nose!  Students who sold fake report cards!  These geniuses had come up with this million dollar idea before me! 

I paid the $25 fee, and told them the grades I was looking for; and they did it!  I felt great!  I was about to pull the scam of all scams! 

Report card day had arrived, and I saw my grades.  I had a 76% average; which wasn’t THAT bad, but not good enough to show my parents.  I grabbed my “fake” report card, put it in the envelope, and proceeded to go home and show them my marks.  I was super excited!  I was finally bringing home a report card that was as impressive as my brother’s.  It was time to step out of his shadow, and be the gifted student for once!

FML, my brother had come home for a visit!  He is WAY too smart to believe this; plus he has always known how devious I could be.  I had no choice, and had to hand my report card to my father.  My heart was racing… I was so scared!

My dad took a look, read all the amazing comments my “teachers” had written, and saw my overall average; 91%.  A normal person would just be happy adding 5% to up their grade, so it wouldn’t be as obvious; not me.  I’m just THAT smart.

He didn’t say much… instead he handed my report card to my brother, and asked him to take a look.  Hamid took one look at it, handed it to me, and told me I was an idiot.

I couldn’t understand how they figured out I had faked it.  It was done by a professional (or so I thought.) I took a close look at the grades,… I AM an idiot!  This so called “professional” copy was awful!  The girl had cut out little numbers, glued them over the old one’s, and photocopied it onto new paper.  It was so horrible!! On two of the grades, the new numbers were so crooked that it still showed part of the original grades underneath!  I guess that’s what you get for buying a fake report card from someone who’s getting worse grades than you!

Nothing else was ever said about this infamous report card of mine.  I knew I had gotten caught. I guess they were just so disappointed I would lie like that, that instead of punishing me, they would let me deal with the guilt for the rest of my life. It worked; I still feel guilty.

Sorry mom and dad.